Tuesday, March 20, 2007

No one's talking. I'll start.

God.
Art.
Madness. (at least that's what it feels like)

My life has become a trifecta of the above. I work at a church, I am an artist, and in 2006 I was diagnosed as Bipolar II, with severe depression. (Bipolar II is just a nice way to say you're not as crazy as all of the really crazy people.)

As I was driving home today in a bit of a manic state, listening to Nine Inch Nails and speeding, I realized something. I needed a place. A place to talk, and a place for people to listen. A place to post right in the middle of a mood swing, or a panic attack. A place to vent and wonder if I really have faith sometimes. A place to be honest and candid, in the moment, as raw as I would allow myself to be. I have days when I hate meds, and days when I embrace them. I have days when I really feel like I'm going crazy. I figure I might as well document the journey, hoping a few hitchers will jump in alongside.

There are a few people in my life that know about my diagnosis. But I feel like no one in the world knows what really goes on beneath the surface. My fear is that there are many out there who also feel like they are losing their minds, and need to be reminded that they are not alone in what feels like moments of madness.

When I was first diagnosed, God told me very clearly that He was "shining the light in the darkest places." I really feel that God is calling me to expose every ugly layer for what it is, so that His Spirit can move through every wacky detail, reaching out to hopefully at least a handful of others.

What's it like to be an artist who lives with the fear of meds crippling their creative abilities? Is it okay for depression to drive artistic creativity?
Can inspiration live and thrive in what feels like a totally screwed up life?
How do I minister to the masses when I can't even get out of bed or pick my crap up off the floor?
I haven't read my Bible in 5 months, and my prayers are, "Jesus, Help." Should I quit my job?
Where is God in all of this?

These are questions I have, and hope to explore here in this venue.


My hope is that artists and ministers who struggle with lovely mental issues will be encouraged here.

So this is the place. I'm warning you. This could be messy. I could ramble and not make sense. I could be completely irrational, desperate, and scary sounding. I could post 45 times a day. Or maybe go weeks without.

We'll see.

(this post was written while listening to Radiohead's "Amnesiac")

1 comment:

Lady Jane Grey said...

Thank you.

I'm reading, I'm listening, I'll talk.

But thanks for your courage. I haven't mustered the courage to "come out" yet...