Tuesday, March 27, 2007

maybe not the brightest thing to do.

I'm not sure this was a good idea. In fact, I'm sure that it's not smart.

I've been putting off picking up my medication. I am currently enjoying the adrenaline rush of being a little manic, torqued person. I know that sounds weird, but the rush of cycling mood swings, even though it could potentially be destructive, feels good. Or at least that's the delusion. It is a high - I can't even explain it. It also feels scary. That's the downside. Not to mention the fact that it all rages beneath the surface, and no one on the outside really knows what's going on.

But I know how this ends all too well, which is why I am going to pick up my medication tomorrow. I promise - in fact, hold me accountable.

I want to blog more, but if I did it would look like this: I am currently feeling paranoid, unsettled, ready to start a new country, ready to run down the block, about to clean out my closet, rocking back and forth as I type, wanting to scream, not wanting to spend another night staring at this computer, tired of everything, and angry at this whole situation.

Well, let's try praying.

God I'm frustrated. It seems like I can't win. Can I be honest? I think the meds take off the edge of me that I miss. I don't want to be on meds, and I don't want to be off of them because of how I feel right now. Which means I'm screwed.

Well, wasn't that cheery?

2 comments:

Songbird said...

Did you get your meds?

Hedwyg said...

{{{{{ bipolarrocket }}}}}

I, too, have bipolar 2, and have struggled through some very similar stuff. My therapist used to come back to two very simple statements for me to remember: There is hope. And You are worth something. Somehow those stuck in my head, and I'm glad they're there.

Welcome to RevGals, and know that I'll hold you in my prayers every day.

Peace and blessings,
Hedwyg