Does that make me cra-zy?

I've heard all kinds of stories about the crazy things people do when they are manic. They buy yachts, they end up in New York, they buy 3 houses in one day.

Yesterday I got a new car.

Now I wish I could say that I researched this for months on end, compared specs, test drove dozens of cars. But I didn't.

My lease had another year on it, so I was going to start looking, and my friends and I joked about me driving a Mini Cooper. And then I thought - wait. I don't want to be the trendy chick pastor who drives a Mini. But then I thought - wait - yes I do.

I looked at one online, and went yesterday to test drive one. And yes, it was just like the Italian Job. I took that baby flying around turns, and floored it on every straight-away just to see how she'd fly. I think I scared the salesman a little, but hey, if you're gonna test drive something, you shouldn't just give it a little quiz.

This is how I shop: I see it, I like it, I look at the numbers, and if it checks out, I take it home. Before I knew it I was haggling, sending those guys running around, and wham, I drove home in my new cute little black Mini with white racing stripes.

And some of my coworkers think I'm a little crazy, ending up with a new car in a matter of 3 1/2 hours. And then there was my mom's comment when I told her what I had done - "Now why would you do THAT?" Ah, thanks for the support.

Life's too short to worry about if everyone thinks you are crazy or not. Besides, you already know that you kind of already are, maybe a little.

Don't apologize for spending hours on end writing a novel for no reason. Give no justification for watching Discovery Health every night for 5 hours. Wear black every day, except for one day a week where you wear yellow just to confuse everyone. Research plankton in your spare time and write research papers just because you want to.

Let them say what they will say, think what they want to think, and more than likely be jealous of your knack for throwing caution to the wind.

Just don't buy 3 houses in one day, or anything dumb like that.

The Funk

I thought about erasing this blog last night. Because here's the deal - I'm not so sure that it's healthy for you. Healthy for me? Sure, but I don't want you to catch the "funk" while you're here. I realized last night these blogs are mainly rough and on the downside, and I don't want you to think I don't have any bright moments - because I do.

Just in case you don't believe me, here are a few I've had lately:

1) I've had an influx of new artists who want to volunteer in ministry. I can't wait to see what they come up with.

2) I've actually been productive this morning.

3) I'm receiving the most fabulous letters from an admirer, and while I am trying to figure out for sure if He is a believer or not, I am still enjoying the heck out of this while it lasts.

4) Distracted by possibilities of said admirer. STOP.

5) coffee.

6) Driving fast and listening to Chevelle.

7) it's cold here at the moment, which is totally out of the ordinary for April, and I am loving every second of it.

There. See?

Why is it that as artists, we tend to paint furiously when things are not so great, yet when things are flying high we drop the brush? Why do our internal musings gravitate toward emoting the dark, the sad, and the lonely?

I don't know. When you figure it out, let me in on it.

But then I looked at my page today and saw your lovely comments. All of them were well timed reminders that empathy - no matter how messy - is healing. And today I am equally reminded that some of the most beautiful art is born out of the darkest of hues.

I'm trouble, yall.

I am a bit of a mess.

Gunning for trouble. Loose cannon. I can feel it, right beneath the surface. "Calm Like A Bomb" by Rage Against the Machine comes to mind. Starting 35 new things, and wanting to quit 40 of them. Fighting the urge to hurry God along in a few arenas, trying to force His hand, realizing it's ridiculous, trying anyway. Getting to letter R, getting bumped back to letter A. See step One. Back to start.

So, how are you?

I had the weekend off - I know that sounds weird, it being Easter weekend, but I work primarily with students and 20-somethings, and we don't have programming on Easter weekend so our students can attend main service with their family. I feel guilty that many of you out there slaved away all weekend, while I slept in until 9:30 for the past 3 days.

I didn't have therapy this past Friday since it was a holiday, and I can tell I haven't been. I feel the strange urge talk about myself..for at least an hour. Also see: wanting to scream, practice fighting off tears, say unsightly things, cross my arms only to be identified as angry, answer the question "so how do you deal with that" repeatedly.

Frustrated. Held together by grace. Well, today - mainly mercy. And most days I hope that mercy can keep up with the reckless speed I seem to gain in making mistake after mistake. Let's hope mercy is speedy and quick on it's feet, because these days I am in a mad dash to screw things up. Terribly.

Back to reading Anne Lamott's new book. Hoping one day I can take her out for a drink and talk about life.