Sunday, April 8, 2007

I'm trouble, yall.

I am a bit of a mess.

Gunning for trouble. Loose cannon. I can feel it, right beneath the surface. "Calm Like A Bomb" by Rage Against the Machine comes to mind. Starting 35 new things, and wanting to quit 40 of them. Fighting the urge to hurry God along in a few arenas, trying to force His hand, realizing it's ridiculous, trying anyway. Getting to letter R, getting bumped back to letter A. See step One. Back to start.

So, how are you?

I had the weekend off - I know that sounds weird, it being Easter weekend, but I work primarily with students and 20-somethings, and we don't have programming on Easter weekend so our students can attend main service with their family. I feel guilty that many of you out there slaved away all weekend, while I slept in until 9:30 for the past 3 days.

I didn't have therapy this past Friday since it was a holiday, and I can tell I haven't been. I feel the strange urge talk about myself..for at least an hour. Also see: wanting to scream, practice fighting off tears, say unsightly things, cross my arms only to be identified as angry, answer the question "so how do you deal with that" repeatedly.

Frustrated. Held together by grace. Well, today - mainly mercy. And most days I hope that mercy can keep up with the reckless speed I seem to gain in making mistake after mistake. Let's hope mercy is speedy and quick on it's feet, because these days I am in a mad dash to screw things up. Terribly.

Back to reading Anne Lamott's new book. Hoping one day I can take her out for a drink and talk about life.


Songbird said...

Thinking about you and sending hope for resurrection.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about the urge to hurry God along...

Hope this week briungs peace.

1-4 Grace said...

Peace to you. I also struggle with depression and have recently had meds bumped up and increased time with a therapist to weekly visits.
Anyhow, I share in your struggled journey, but found great hope in a message I heard yesterday for Easter. In it, the pastor spoke of times he saw evidence of resurection. one being when depression chooses to get up and face another day with courage. There are some out there that actually undestand the struggle and apprecaite the efforts required to do ministry. Hopeing you have a few in your pathway as well. Keep beign evidence to the resurrection each day. God's blessings to you

Iris said...

I just finished Lamott's new book. I'd like to join you if you ever get to have that drink with her!

Welcome to RGBP. There are several of us that can relate to your posts.

Sue said...

I've been checking in over the weekend and wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the update.


Shawna Renee said...

Welcome to RevGals! You're not the only one who wants to take Anne Lamott out for a drink.

Sally said...

It would be great to meet Annie Lamott wouldn't it!
Prayers for peace and joy!
Welcome to revgals

Sally said...

btw- I'm another one on meds for depression!

Mary Beth said...

I love that Anne Lamott book. She is my HERO.