Monday, March 26, 2007

3AM

That's an old Night Ranger song. Wait, no it's not - that was "4 In The Morning." Oh well, so much for my snazzy pop culture reference. And I just showed my age. Crap.

I can't sleep. I woke up starving, raiding my kitchen only to find cereal and marshmallows. I haven't been to the store in forever. They would have to do. Right now I'm watching Kill Bill 2, one of the greatest movies ever.

So the worship set was great last night, despite the fact that I did, however, turn into the Great Pumpkin. I could certainly tell yesterday afternoon that I was starting to lose grip without one of my meds. I was extremely torqued, resisting the urge to lop off volunteers' heads, and wanting to punch walls. At dinner I thought about taking my wine glass and smashing it on the ground, and on the way home I kept seeing visions of me driving my cute little black race car into an embankment.

Don't let that scare you. The meds usually help that, and I'm too smart to do something dumb like that (besides, I love my car.) Before this particular med, It was very common for me to have manic states where I would be so torqued that I would see visions in my head of me doing very angry, violent things. Mainly involving myself, or breaking stuff. They play on viscious repeat over and over and over, and it's inescapable and awful. I hate it, and I thank God that this medication stops that.

Sometimes I think it's good for people on meds just to experience what it's like to go without, if at all possible, without risking any danger to yourself or others of course. Makes you appreciate them, and thankful beyond belief that God gave someone the wisdom to create something so complex and incredible. Something angelic to make the visions go away.

I don't want to be on meds, but right now that is how God is healing me. And if there's ever a day when He chooses to heal me without meds, then that's just wonderful.

Hopefully I'll be back on that little blue pill by the end of the day. I've got meetings all day today, and it would be pretty funny if during a management meeting I stood up, turned the table over, and walked out of the room (smirk)... although at the moment that's what I'm feeling.

..so maybe watching Kill Bill right now isn't such a great idea ....(smirk number 2)

2 comments:

Songbird said...

So how's the day going?

Jake_1288 said...

Hi, I don't know who you are, but please, you know not what it would mean if you were to e-mail me, I am bi-polar, and I've been getting these feelings that feel divine, and being drawn towards learning about more and more, very specific things i have never learned of before, on my own. its a struggle for me to complete school, and many things because i am very confused about many things in life and the things i've been learning and why and just everything thats been happening and how much sence it all makes but im still so lost. but I wan learn more about psychology and philosphy and cognitive science and theology and so many things, but i really disagree with everything in this society, but the past year and a half as been very interesting for me, and i want to discuss some of the things that have been happening and that i have been learning that seem to be associated with creativity in the brains of bi polar people, untreated and i just need to know if some things that i would like to disguss, happen to you aswell. my grandfather is a paster aswell and there are many things i've read from his books that are very interesting. please, e mail me or contact me in some way or form, even making a fake e mail account just to send an email would be very much appreciated. Jacob. jake_1288@hotmail.com