Thursday, March 22, 2007

I'd like a #2 with a side order of a good buzz, please.

A good day. A nice, calm day. A day where I've made good decisions, and haven't made anyone mad yet. A day where people seem to like me.

I am even-keel, so balanced today, so "normal," that I look back on the past 2 days, and I swear I was a different person. There is something so scary about being caught in those manic cycles in retrospect. Looking in the rearview, they are ugly, selfish, irrational moments. Even starting this blog was a knee-jerk reaction in the middle of a manic state. To light a fire, call everyone to watch it burn, and then not even remember striking the match, or why for that matter.

I have this urge just for something huge to happen. I think in depression, you get so numbed out that you just want to feel something - anything. It's between that, and wanting to urgently release pressure. It's either one or the other. I can imagine now why people cut. I have never cut, although I did have one day where I was so overwhelmed, I was in my kitchen putting away the dishes, and I was holding a knife, and I thought... and then I was like, "what the &#^% am I doing????" But I can understand the need for relief. And I can understand the craving just to feel something.

Please, just something. Anything. Spirit of the Living God, remind me that I am alive.

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