cold, hard, and calculated

I am a worship and arts pastor who manages a team of folks. I am a minister, but also a manager. I am a creative, but also have to be a left-brained scientist sometimes. I work at a mega-megachurch, and so my job seems alot more corporate at times than most people would think.

When I'm feeling a little off, I like the management world. There are days when I don't want to create, or be fluffy or "ministerial," I just wanna fire off emails, schedule things, and spout off agenda items in meetings. It's cold, hard, and calculated. And sometimes it feels good - not feeling anything at all. Because sometimes you just have to keep moving. If you stop, you'll feel, fall apart, psycho-analyze, drift...

So I don't stop alot these days. I'm a little afraid of what might come of it. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's just what seems to be happening right now.

Wow, yesterday was an awful blur of things. I am reading my account, and wondering who that was. Today has been interesting. Today I don't seem to be caring much, and the worst part is that I'm okay with that. It's actually bringing me a great sense of peace. I don't understand that, and I don't think it's okay. But as my friend Lauryn Hill would say, "it's reality."

Right now, I would just give anything to keep my room clean. If depression does anything, it jacks with your sense of personal organization. I am normally a clutter person, but right now, you would think I was in high school. It is ridiculous, I can't even begin to tell you. I hate it. I feel like my own personal space is suffocating me right now, and I don't want to be at home, so I try to stay away. The last thing I want to do with the little free time that I have is clean.

back to meetings.